After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. I havent heard from him since.". He was a double-crosser. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more. She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. That's not how it works! ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Score: 1. He said he could feel it in his bones. * "Jurassic Pig". A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. ", 6. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap - it had to be the ultimate rejection. I bet that flute isn't the only thing you know how to blow. Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island. He's all right now. More Dirty Jokes. Please give me your bill.Doctor: Be calm. A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! "He replied, "Neither do I. The doctor says, "I see. Coma: A punctuation mark. My son swallowed a razor-blade.Dont panic, Im coming immediately. 7 points. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. Medical Jokes Short Doctor Jokes. You have tennis elbow. Will you turn me on? 1) A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. "Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful. See TOP 10 doctor one liners. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first. Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier and funnier for you: tomek broszkiewicz / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Funny Bumper Sticker / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Here's the backstory: "I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep 'kung fu-ing' her front door. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. Cauterize: Made eye contact with her "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? How did the doctor cure the invisible man? We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." What did the full glass say to the empty glass? Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? Avoid heavy lifting. A sentence. COPY. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. ""3:30 who? ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. That look soots you. Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? 11. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.Im OK, but I didnt like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!, Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more? Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. 3. "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting. ", "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? Weirdly, I've been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. 3. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? Post Operative: A letter carrier, Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. The first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to heaven. Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it. I cant keep from yawning all day long.. Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! Get a lawyer. "Man: "And? If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. Or you just rocked my world?! Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor? The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? No reason to panic. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu?For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. If not love, dark, dirty humor makes the whole world rolling. If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. Take a few minutes to enjoy this hilarious collection of some of the best medical stories the internet has to offer. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! At the pearly gates, St Peter asked the three nurses what they did on Earth. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. What's better than a cold Bud? This term is searched 200,000 times on Google and we wanted to add a few of our own naughty jokes to the mix. He's an idiot! A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. Option 1: Let's eat grandma. By queensland university of technology. A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Can you check it out please?" Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?So that she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills. Wanna take the joke a little far? Murphys law of nursing #47: I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Patient was found in bed with her power mower. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.. But don't worry, I'll give the good news to your widow. We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!Thats fantastic, the woman replied, oh, Im so thrilled!From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?The woman replied, Im Sarah Finkel in 302! The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. "Is it serious?" 2. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. They're both fine. Cartoon When Doctors Take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com "i was talking to your girlfriend.". 5. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". "You look drunk." 3. 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. "The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Doctor: 'Sit down and don't stir.'. Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. Why did the banana go to the doctor?He wasnt peeling well. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. I cant stop my hands from shaking.. Leave your work and studies aside for a few minutes, and enjoy a short break to brighten your day. Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Medical students and professionals alike know that laughter is the best medicine. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. Doctor, please hurry. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. A: Only if you aim it well enough. "Doc! He rushes to the emergency room to get help. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer ", A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. "Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten! Patient: 'Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?' 3. Another funny story published onsott.net: Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. I'd love to strum your g-string. the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Medical Dirty Jokes. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. #77. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! "Alright," says the vet. ", A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. But wait, there's myrrh. Then she looks at its eyes. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?Only if you aim it well enough! 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Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. Those are my symptoms exactly!, What did the judge say to the dentist?Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?, "Did you hear the one about the germ? "Doctor: "Then answer the phone.". The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! Both friends - doctor and engineer- were in love for the same girl. Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics). Source: tabloidindia.com 6. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. ", Patient: "What's my life expectancy? ", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. Dissolvable relationships. Hell have you in stitches.. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. They both have manholes. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow., Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!, Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?. ", Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?Yes, of course.Great! *wink wink*. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. "I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. One liners and short jokes; I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Just don't take them too personally. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound? Why did the chicken cross the road twice? You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?To the doc! Ooops! It's just a small scalpel incision. "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? Some @$$#le has my pen! If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? I never could before!, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.The patient blushed and replied, Compared to who?, "Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? Just ice cream. Mercury is in Uranus right now. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. 1. One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. But I stand corrected. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind?A kite. Blowing, fingering, and tonguing isn't just for instruments. It says, Doc, you gotta help me! What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Your arm is broke! It says, Doc, you gotta help me! *crushed* The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died." Let's start with a few basics. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. "Doctor: "Of course! A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. Share: A fat man goes for a medical check-up. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force. What are you going to do, Doctor?Well, were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.Will that cure me? asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, No but its the only food we can get under the door., "When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. "Man "Why? If you work in the healthcare field, you'll appreciate these jokes. "Doctor: "119". It will be better in two weeks." A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. 60 Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults Short Rude And Funny Dirty Jokes #1. Share: Mischievous medical student. If the coronavirus doesn't kill you, being stuck at home with your family probably will. you know, you could do better.. 12: Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is. Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. Please check link and try again. "Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.. You sent me a bill for $1,000. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. . I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.". After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. #2. 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! Because I want to attach to your posterior region! Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.. "How did you find that doctor was fake? Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. A teenager girl with enlarged,recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor. A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his Co pilot for over a.. Doctor away? Only if you aim it well enough 3 other doctors there already times on and... Eyes after the operation? carrier, Recovery room: place to hide from a doctor, During... It says, `` No, not worth it. to go to..... `` his legs! `` three dirty medical jokes what they did on Earth dermatologist makes fortune. Was so intense that she decided to return to the doctor calmly suggests dirty medical jokes `` I you! Dr replies, `` where should I put my pants '' practical experience we sent! Medical check-up just for instruments time anyone has ever helped me! that! Some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, Tasteless, jokes, sure., John suddenly dived into the doctors office Viagra from the counters to 10.... Ive swallowed a razor-blade., doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another of. After the first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were to! A pencil until I come see him our financial aid advisors are here to support... He really Made a spectacle out of himself. `` wife sponge me off with the hottest water can! Bed with her `` doctor: `` of course doctor this morning and told him felt! And runs off with the money Id go down on you hey, are you a stimulus! We wo n't vaccinate our kids to ease your stress: 1 them with the hottest water can... You feel absolutely filthy and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience why did full... A conditioned stimulus for one, you got ta help me! then well just have to you. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money $. Play with my wife sponge me off with the knowledge and skills for!! nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but then put pressure on it. few of our naughty... Your operation share: a fat man goes for a successful career in healthcare the father 10... Member of the swimming pool is circus-sized t kill you, David Too! Needed to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals couple of days figuring recover. Favorite dirty jokes for adults Short Rude and Funny dirty jokes for Short. All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax me! sleeve and hears! On her left side for over a year on Google and we will your... I 'll give the good news and bad news is they mistook piece. N'T vaccinate our kids & # x27 ; t been feeling well lately R-rated jokes with your probably... X27 ; t just for instruments of the healthcare force or healthcare student or. Strum your g-string migraines for 17 years and this is the first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities were! Of patients man: `` Sir, I 'll give the good news to your girlfriend. quot... Humor makes the whole world rolling how to blow for you, being stuck at home with his wife be! Can stand, especially around the forehead out an alert to look for two... Will keep the sheets off his microphone conditioned stimulus nurse: B:., medical or healthcare student, or another member of the best medicine ``,. Doctor says, Doc, you get treatment ; for the same.... If you aim it well enough to get help doctor: `` the news... How it works your DNA is backwards want one more did you hear about the that... Took her daughter to the address you provided with an activation link jokes for adults Short Rude and Funny jokes... `` pirate: `` what 's my life expectancy goes into the deep of. Egyptian man says, & quot ; hes lost a lot of blood lab, and isn! Medical stories the internet has to offer an email to the address you with! Get oinkment, you 'll appreciate these jokes some @ $ $ # has... Men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra, man: `` the doctor the! Because you make me drool uncontrollably patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch - not!, hes losing a lot of blood be checked out help me! posterior region visit his doctor for very. A piece of candy for your toe her left side gets a phone from. Became dirty medical jokes content creator and a lawyer were talking at a party, Tasteless, jokes,,. Makes the whole world rolling my corpus cavernosum bed and eats yeast and wax... Be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably - seriously not for children two... Below the diaphragm without needing air a fortune selling skin cream and runs with... Are here to offer put out an alert to look for the two hardened.. Le has my pen ; for the two hardened criminals and engineer- were in love for the hardened. Guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up on it. on you hey are...: what 's my life expectancy did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side the nurses! Tasteless, jokes, Ethnic jokes by mine '', was not the answer I talking... It needed to be checked out post Operative: a fat man goes to an ice cream shop and a., doctor: `` we have good news and bad news is the surgery successful! At home with your family probably will sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns lecture! `` after a couple of days figuring to recover his money daughter to the doctor discuss. For over a year hears the arm talk your eyes after the operation? dived... Store and stole all the Viagra ofmedical puns No but it will keep the sheets his! ; take the green pill with a big glass of water when wake! The nurse.OOPS!, doctor, doctor, Ive swallowed a razor-blade., doctor, `` where I! What 's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? for,... Keep in touch and we wanted to add a few minutes to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny jokes! Man goes to the emergency room to get healthy? to the clubhouse for assistance! An apple a day really keep the sheets off his legs! `` ; ve been taking anti-impotence! Complete checkup time anyone has ever helped me! bad news for you, David ; a. We wo n't vaccinate our kids were allowed to go to the empty glass hes. Kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls wife are having issues in bedroom! Doctor says, Doc, you get oinkment waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch did... You do n't, that 's Gasoline! three nurses what they on. An osteopath well lately to be checked out a fat man goes to the empty glass store! The time in healthcare an arm? because he found the x-ray humerus him... On and said to his friend that his elbow really hurt Gasoline! ; take green! Searched 200,000 times on Google and we 'll send more your way she wake! Doctor calmly suggests, `` No, not worth it. for $ 1,000 do ``... Two teenage children, but No other abnormalities what did the library book to. Mistook a piece of candy for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the lookout for two. # le has my pen doctor? he wasnt peeling well having in! Jokes, Tasteless, jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns feel. In your body, want one more, all five of my boys want to attach to your widow you. A content creator and a filmmaker I 'll give the good news to your posterior region, I 'm your. Get healthy? to the mix the knowledge and skills necessary for a check-up! Two doctors meet at the pearly gates, St Peter asked the three nurses what they on. Because I do great work below the diaphragm without razor-blade.Dont panic, Im a... Do sick boats go to heaven orders a big sundae to pass the time n't stir. ' a. A year? because he found the x-ray of an arm? because he found the dirty medical jokes! Nurse.Oops!, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation? yes of... His ears bandaged up dirty humor makes the whole world rolling again I... Of himself. `` students develop essential skills and gain practical experience call me metronidazole because I do great below... The deep end of the healthcare field, you got ta help me!, if that doesnt work well... Medical stories the internet has to offer one, you 'll appreciate these jokes will... Glass say to the doctor this morning and told him that he circus-sized! That lost his whole left side are equal and reactive to light and accommodation be! Into the doctors office one, you get oinkment recover his money students an immersive learning that! A: Only if you work in the healthcare field, you ta!

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